One Must Imagine
Thirty years
You grew and flew The sun it shone The wind it blew A life cut down Not long begun Stay forever young Stay forever young Stay forever young I don't know much I can't see far Lying in a ditch Looking at stars But the stars are hiding Tears fall from on high Falling from the sky Falling from the sky Falling from the sky It's easy to imagine God must hate you That life could be so unfair But God has given way to nature And nature neither knows nor cares I've heard it said In book and song That what don't kill you Makes you strong But there's a river to cross A mountain to climb Give me more time Give me more time Give me more time I never understood what love could cost you The higher you are, the harder you fall But better to have loved and lost you Than never to have loved at all Just one question to decide To embrace your life, or suicide To go on bearing the burden Or try to break free To be or not to be To be or not to be To be or not to be O Sisyphus Go push that rock When it rolls downhill Go get it back And if anyone asks you Tell them life is good Like a man should Like a man should Like a man should Mark Never Again
Never again
Will she feel our love Will she feel lips on hers Will she hold Owen and Kara Will she sing her heart out Willl she trip the light fantastic Will she glide her skateboard Will she create a stunning bag Will she cackle with laughter Will she be warmed by the log fire Will she look up at the stars Will she feel the breeze on her cheeksi Will she feel water on her skin Will she hear the wind in the trees Will she hear the lapping of the waves Will she see the early morning pearls on a spider's web Will she plant a seedling and feel the earth Will she hear the pulsating throb of rock Will she discuss our world Will she see a new land Will she savour delicious tastes Will she watch Eastenders Will she be full of joy Will she live for the moment Will she make plans for the future Jane 21/10/2011 A Private PlaceI see now the efficacy of tradition
The wearing of black Of grievers' weeds Protected, conveyed a message Left you with your pain Gave you time and space Formed a barrier from inane questions Like 'How are you?' To be answered with a hollow 'All right' Jane 16/03/2012 Befores and AftersTime has become divided
Into befores and afters Before Child, teenage, 20's photos That joyful, carefree smile Those halcyon days Unaware of what is to come Before we knew and after we knew That her cells were running amuck Before we knew and after we knew The treatments had failed Before she died And after she died I scream like an angry child I don't want it to be after I want it to be before for ever Jane 27/04/2012 |
Read at Sarah's funeral
The sun still shines
The birds still sing The wind still blows The rain still falls Nature just is Feels nothing for your loss But each of us Carries our essence of you For me, thirty years of memories The little girl wanting to visit the moon The young woman That big voice Belting out songs From so small a frame Your love of shoes How you strode out in those blue suede boots The rigorous designer Never satisfied Such enthusiasm for growing things You fully embraced life Your light shone out Warmed all those around you You held us secure In celebration of who we were Sarah, Sarah, my beautiful brave daughter You will live always in my heart Jane 23/09/2011 Going through the motions
Waking, a void of one moment
Then loss rushes in Shafts of dawn light Pattern the walls I stare at their shapes In blind emptiness A dead weight on my chest Going through the motions I wash, dress, Sob angrily, guiltily The disease stole her basic functions Going through the motions Shopping robotically Dropping items mindlessly into the trolley Superficial chatter deflected Hardly heard From inside this bubble of misery Going through the motions At friends Aware only of her absence The terrible yearning for her existence For her universe, her light To be turned on again Jane 17/10/2011 How can this be?
I greet your photo
A radiant smile Caught in the flash of a moment You were exactly there last Christmas On that bit of carpet Kneeling by the fire I try to gather you up Into my arms And feel no resistance Holding only your absence I pound my chest Like mothers through the ages Bury my face in the cardigan You discarded years ago Knead its texture Rest my cheek against the cotton pillow case That your skin once touched Such a longing for your physicality Cold, inert tissue Homeless in a sodden cardboard box The roots of trees now hold you Jane 18/12/2011 Less of a person
My Sarah's sense of me
My existence uniquely discerned by her The insights of me that only she held Her colourscape of memories of our history This part of me has died with her I am diminished Yet feel a terrible heaviness That cannot be sighed out Jane 16/03/2012 FirstsThis is a time of firsts
The first birthdays The first Mother's Day The first Father's Day The first Christmas The first New Year The first Easter The first September October, November December, January February, March April, May June, July August Without her There will be Seconds, thirds Fourths, fifths And on and on Without her And she will be for ever young In our broken hearts. Jane 27/04/2012 |
Making ConnectionsThe struggle to keep physical connection
Can't let go of the clothes I lent you in hospital Open the box That holds your red chiffon wedding dress Tenderly hold up the long narrow gloves That briefly concealed your frail arms Never take off the pendant That nestled against your chest Keep your written words on my bedside table Greet your photos eye to eye Look at your art work So painful to know the hand That made those strokes Will not again move across the page |
Sit on the settee corner Which knew your imprint Eat the beans grown from the seeds you gave Save some for next year Hungry for a sense of continuity Rear with care sunflowers Which came from the one That opened its great golden head On your funeral day Visualize how you smiled, laughed, frowned Try to hear the unique tones of your voice So fearful that I will lose my hold On the physical reality that was you Jane 01/11/2012 |